USO blog: Kuwait, day two...
Kuwait day two
I was finally able to string together some hours of sleep in Kuwait. I woke up at 4am in my small room. I sat up on my bed and wondered if I should eat or go back to sleep or what. I don't remember how, but I decided to go for a run. I put on some sweats and went outside. I went back inside. It was very cold out. In the desert. I put on some layers and hit the pavement.
I love running because it's a great way to explore and own anywhere you are. I ran through the base, just following no particular route, until I reached a football field. It was only a football field because of the size and goalposts. Otherwise it was a patch of sand. Around it was a running track, also sand. I ran around this field for about a mile. On the field, was a bunch of soldiers. I could only see them slightly because of the dark (no lights on the field) and sand being kicked up, but I realized they were playing Rugby. 4am in the morning and these folks had gotten up and organized a Rugby game. I told myself that they did it at this hour because the rest of their day was programmed by the army. I had started to become aware of another important Army acronym (the first was DFAC) which was PT, personal time. When you are in the Army, living on an Army base, you are basically at work 24 hours a day. You have given your entire life to it and, especially when based overseas during a war, you just never go home. So the Army needs to distinguish what time is yours and what time is there's. Yours is PT time, theirs is everything else. I don't know for sure but I think these people were playing on their PT time. One reason I thought this is because of their voices. They were yelling, cheering each other, laughing a lot. There were men and women together on the field, enjoying themselves.
After about a mile of this, I noticed a fitness center on the far end of the field. I went inside. Nobody bugged me. I guess folks assume if you're anywhere on the compound you're okay. I started lifting some weights. A young lanky fellow in Airforce sweats looked at me like somethign was wrong. I said hello. he said "that can't be you. This is crazy." It turns out he is a huge fan of mine and had been watching me on youtube the night before and had somehow missed that I was part of the show. SO seeing me in his gym in Kuwait really blew his mind. He's from Lowell Mass.
After a shower and breakfast, we were taken to the flightline where a formation of blackhawk helicopters was waiting to take us North.
Each Helicopter had a crew of three. Two pilots inside and one guy standing outside wearing what looked like a black stormtroopers helmet which was connected by a cable to the aircraft. Dino and I were split up. He got on one "bird" and I got on this one.
I took lots of pictures as we boarded, partly because i was starting to feel a lot of ANXIETY. As in: adrenaline pooling up in my joints and trying to figure out if maybe I should just start making a scene so I don't have to get on this thing, which looks alarmingly exactly like the choppers in Vietnam war movies, literally built the exact same way since 1968. Not to mention that they are all being flown by 21 year olds.
Sitting across from me, by the way, were the Miami Dolphin Cheerleaders, Lily and Adrianne...
I'm ebarrassed to say this but I have to because it's true: These girls were really a comforting presence, and helped me not to be scared. Because they were totally cool and were just enjoying it. In that moment, I was a 41 year old father, taking my example of how to act on a helicopter from a 19 and 20 year old cheerleader.
Here's the thing about Military air travel. You just get in a thing and you go up. That's it. There's none of the usual ceremony and sense of safety and a locked off area where everyone's been screened and we WILL NOT take off until everyone is safetly buckled in.
These things are just big metal birds and you just hop into the fucker and go up into the sky. No one asks you if you're ready. As you strap in you get this feeling like "woah. Okay. Can we just talk about-" and they slam the wobbly door on you, the INCREDIBLY LOUD engine that is basically right over your head, only separated from you by a thin layer of fiberglass painted a greenish black. You maybe take one breath and with a sudden, upward jerk, you are hovering several feet in the air.
The most unnerving part of it was that we were flying in a formation with about 4 Blackhawks. Before leaving the airfield, they needed to get into the proper flying order. So all the choppers started playing leapfrog, just hopping over each other like little gnats just jumping around into a pattern. That was FUCKING WEIRD.
Once we were straightened out, we took off.
In a few seconds we were out of Camp Arafjan and in the goddamn desert...
Equally all-at-once, All of my anxiety turned into a rush of excitement. The helicopter leaned forward as it flew over the desert low and fast. I started snapping pictures.
I saw a bunch of things in that desert that I have no idea what they were...
the very tiny brown and black dots in this picture are camels!
Okay these next few photos are digital. I now feel that I have to tell you every time...
After about an hour in flight we landed at an isolated base about 20 miles from the southern border of Iraq. It's called Camp Beuring. It was named after a soldier that was killed in battle in Iraq.
Beuring is VERY different from camp Arafjan. Arafjan has been around for a while. The army is very dug in there. It feels like a permanant and thorough presence. Beuring was the first place we went to that felt like an outpost. LIke a camp. You are also palpably in the desert. Most of the camp looks like this...
And folks sleep in these...
And a lot of them are dressed like this...
There's Lily Robbins, letting a young fellow kiss her right on the lips.
As soon as we got to Beuring, we were taken to a room where they served us tea around a long table...
They explained that it was local custom to drink tea before any important meeting and to have small talk. I liked the tea. It was minty. Thats' the most boring thing I ever wrote.
We were then given another briefing where we were told that Beuring is where most Iraqi troops train on their way into the theater of war. They also come back here occasionally to re-train, using techniques learned as the war goes on. We were told more numbers about how much water they consume, how much oil, etc, and everybody got another certificate. It was my and Dino's second certificate of appreciation and I hadn't actually done anything except be flown around and fed Army food.
After that we were taken to another DFAC where we ate with the camp population. This was immediately different from Arafjan because every single person was wearing an M16 rifle and a side-arm. It was strange to see these men and women of every size, age and race, carrying a lunch tray with a big weapon over their shoulder. I watched a very mousy woman with a pony-tail put her gun between her feet and start eating. The idea seemed to be that if there was a sudden invasion of the camp, every single person was loaded and ready to defend it. It was a level of readiness I hadn't encountered in my life.
After lunch, I ate WAY TOO MUCH, we went to a training facility where we were broken into teams and taught how to handle roadblocks and crowd control on the streets of Iraq.
This is how it works (i have no pictures) they put you in this dark room and on the far end is a big screen onto which is protected a film of a bunch of Iraqi actors yelling at you and threatening you and you have to watch them and decide when and if (pretty much just when) to fire on them and who to kill and who to try not to kill. The first thing that occurred to me was "Who are these actors?" Anyway, the cheerleaders and I pointed our computer-montiored M16s at the screen and shot many actors in the face and body. It felt very absurd to do this with three girls in spandex pants.
As we left our training module, we passed some actual soldiers doing the same training. All of a sudden the shit was not funny anymore. These young kids were paying close attention to what they were doing and trying to glean all the information available. Because they were actually goign to go through this with non-actors (I wonder how many actors in the training films were actually local Iraqis, who may have eventually been shot, or killed a soldier, in situations like the ones they helped to simulate)
They were being trained by a fat man in a striped shirt, glasses, a beard and long hair pulled back into a pony tail. He looked like an MIT Tech-hippy. It was very strange. He was WAY not military, but he was barking orders at these kids and using his computer to get them ready for what might be a deadly day in their lives. "Private, what do you see there? A mail box? What's strange about it? Use your observational skills. Learn to observe with speed!" And this lanky red-faced Okie kid was listening INTENTLY.
AFter the training we were taken to a small building where we did our first meet-and-greet. This would be a large part of what we did on this trip. You sit at a table with a stack of pictures of yourself and they all file past you. Each soldier tells you their name and you shake hands, sign a picture, take a picture if they ask, and maybe ask them a question "Where you from? How are you?" and they move on to the cheerleaders, who they really came to see.
About one in twenty of these kids knew who I was. These were two of them. Sorry the picture is blurry, I didn't take it...
The meet and greet took about an hour. Pretty exhausting. And since most of the soldiers didn't know who I was, I was feeling a bit useless. But the people who did want to meet me were very cool.
We were not scheduled to do a show at Beuring, so after the meet and greets we got back into the blackhawks and took off.
This ride was very different because it was getting late and dust was rising across the desert. We flew into the dust. It was really creepy and thrilling....
We went back to Arafjan by a different route. The first thing I noticed was that we kept flying unnervingly close to many powerlines that bring electricity to Kuwait City...
We then flew over a huge area of unfinished buildings and houses that seemed totally unpopulated. Seargent Ratner explained to me that this was another future suburb of Kuwait. This is how they are expanding the City. They are building this entire area all at once. A huge town that is being built and then moved into all at once.
We then flew over toward the East and went along the shore of the Persian Gulf..
That was digital. here are film pictures of the same area..
After a couple of exhausing hours, we got back to Arafjan, where we were given about an hour to rest before it was time for the first big show....
The first show we did was here in Arafjan. We were set up outdoors on a large stage with bleachers for some of the audience but most of them stood on gravel in front of the stage.
What I'm going to do now is just paste in the email I wrote my mom and sisters about this show. I'm doing it for two reasons. One is that I am too lazy to re-write it. The other is that it really does the story better justice, because I wrote it the same night it happened. So it was fresh.
Here it is...
Ok i'm goign to try to get through this cause i want to tell it like it's fresh.
We've been here for two days and had not done a show yet. I was starting to get a little worried about how the shows would go. All we have done is sat at tables and signed autographs. The show is me, an ex-supermodel named Leeanne Tweeden, three country western singers and the cheerleaders. when we do the autographs, I am by far the least interesting person to the kids. but they politely ask for mine anyway. I have had a few fans, but only few. So i was starting to wonder if I fit in here. I have been warned, also, by many, to keep it clean. Not somethign I 'm great at. I've also been "taken aside" by some people, some the same who warned me, and they tell me "Look, do your show. Try to keep it clean but do what you do. This is for these kids." SO it's a little confusing.
I started to have other worries to. For instance, for the last six months I"ve been opening my shows with about five minutes about how everyone dies. Not really okay to say to a crowd of people that might die tomorrow and know someone who just did. SO I had to rethink everything.
The show started with the sargent major, who the men love, and who brought us all here. he made a boring but sincere speech thanking everyone and telling the troops to have fun.
Leanne tweeden, who emcees the show, made a long emotional speech about the troops this and the troops that and America loves you and I know what it's like to be away from home and all that.
One of the country singers (i'll give you their names later when i am coherent) went on and did about five songs. The crowd was appreciative. He also said a lot about how much america loves them and god bless and all that. The feeling I had from the crowd was "Hey, we didn't come here to be thanked. Do a show."
Then it was my turn. I had zero idea what I was going to do but as I watched the show before me I realized how politel it all was and that no one had said anything real at all.
I peeked at the audience from the stage door. eVeryone was wearing knit caps, parkas, gloves, everyone was shivering and stamping their feet. The performers were all wearing coats and puffy clothes. I was wearing a thick fleece jacket. As Leeanne said my name I muttered "Fuck it" and threw off the fleece. I went out into the cold night air (outdoor show int he middle of the cold cold desert, like being on mars) in my tshirt, just like any other show.
I hit the stage, not knowing what I would say first till the second i put the mike to my face. I looked at them all and said "how are you fuckers doing?" The place went bezerk and it became instantly plain to me what they needed and wanted and what I needed to do. "You people are in a very fucked up place. I mean, it's Kuwait, the dessert and right over there is a starbucks. I saw the sign and thought it would be a little tent with coffe, but it's a real starbucks! With the jazz music, the chess tables and the faggot with the laptop." They couldn't believe it. the laughs were enormous. I was filthy. It was awesome. People were going crazy. It was like looking out over choppy water. People rocking back and forth, punching each other, clapping, stamping. It was mayhem. Every time I went way over the line I would say "I'm so sorry. I am not supposed to be saying any of this. I"m so sorry. Am I in trouble?" which would only make them laugh more. The sargent major was in the front row, arms folded, surrounded by Colonels and whatnot. None of them laughing. All aroudn them were young warriors, men and women of all ages, laughing and cheering at things that NONE of them could think about saying on this base, EVER.
After a particularly over the top bit, i paused to let them rest. AS soon as there was quiet, a young soldier yelled out passionately "thank you sargent Major!" I was stunned. he was thanking him for bringing me there. and I felt also that he was helping me because everyone felt I was getting myself into huge trouble for their enjoyment. When he said it, everyone cheered. I said "You guys, the Sargent major is a great great guy. And what I love about him is he's just a soldier like all of you. He's not some asshole officer."
I cannot describe the reaction that this got. No one could believe I said it. They made a huge racket, a mix of "Oh my god!' "Oh shit!" and whooping and laughing. It was bannanas.
I did about 25 minutes and said "Thank you guys. Goodnight' Every single soldier lept to their feet and cheered. I yelled over them. "This is the best show I"ve done in years. Thank you thank you thank you!" I kept yelling thank you and they kept cheering. It was very very emotional. I had never felt that way on stage in my life. BEcause even in the best shows I"ve done for the largest crowds, they only laugh. These kids laughed with such relief, with such gratitude. I never made people laugh that needed to laugh that badly. It was amazing.
Back stage I was shaking. It was a stunning stunning experience. I stepped outside next to the stage and was immediately swarmed by young kids wanting a picture. I took hundreds or pictures as the next country act played.
EVery single kid that came up to me said how badly they had needed the laughs. Most of them have been here for a year and will be here for another. they had all been "stop gapped" and were only in KUwait as a small break from northern hostile deployments. At least fifty of them said exactly this "I ain't laughed once since I got here last december. Can't tell you how much that meant, sir." they all called me sir.
The Sargent major walked past me and into the dressing room. Someone told me I should disappear because he was comgin to deal with the problem I created. I decided it was better to confront him head on and not wait for things to trickle down, or to let someone else take the beating. The thing that gives me the freedom to do what I did is that I am the only one in the chain of command that is not accountable to ANYONE.
When I got backstage, the sargent major was talking to Jeff, the promoter who runs the show. Jeff was saying, in a pleading voice "Sargent Major, I understand but the man got a standing ovation." SMA Preston was about to argue and I stepped in. I grabbed his hand and said "Sir. I am really really sorry. I mean that. I had no intention of going that way at all. I just got stuck in that gear because they just wanted it so much. They were having such a good time and I have to tell you honestly that I've never felt that from an audience in twenty four years on stage. I could not pull back." The SMA is a really good guy and he started nodding and saying "I know. I understand. I just really need you to watch it." I said "Look, I promise you that I will keep this in mind and I will TRY on the rest of these shows to keep it clean. You just have to understand that an audience that good can't be told no. How could I do that?" I also said "Just so you kjnow, everyone told me to keep it clean. Jeff and all of them. No one negected their duty. I take full responsitibilty for the whole mess." He said "Yes you do indeed" but then he chuckled. So i'm okay.
Another Sargent Major ranked just under him told me afterwards that I need to just do this all week. Be filthy, apologize profusely, and then do it again.
After the show it was back to signing. Totally different ball game. EVeryone came to my table with beaming faces. I think it was about 900 people. You just sit there and keep looking up and seeing a different face of a different age, sex and race from the last. Kansas, Michigan, Florida, Hawaii, Turkey! Shy, funny, gregarious, awkward, sad, grateful confused. Big hand, little hand, bony hand. For over two hours.
that's all I can write. Goodnight all.
That was it. That was the first show.
Here's a picture of my set, taken by Fred Greaves, the tour photographer...
Okay. I got through that one. Tomorrow (or whenever I do it) It's off to Baghdad. Into the actual war zone....
LCK
Posted by Louie in on March 21, 2009 | Comments [ 11 ]
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Very moving post. Well done.
Very emotional reading.
A few people filmed you there:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWXoBR5vBiA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3UUbY5z4E4
Hope you don't mind me linking it.
Martha,
You and I are different. you put value judgements on certain words as better than others. You CAN'T enjoy certain language that I can enjoy, along side of other language. You think I NEED certain language and you think you're above it. I think both of those ideas are just strange. Words are words. I love them all. I use them all.
So we're just different that way. You go ahead and speak for yourself and leave the soldiers out of that.
As to you trying to say that the soldiers feedback was strong because of their personal situation and not because I brought anything to the show, of course that's the context of the entire story. None of that was lost on me and I don't need you to tell it to me. I was there. I had that experience. I wrote about it.
I never heard Bob Hope project his own values onto Soldiers who don't even know him. But a lot of people do that and it makes me sick. Especially after meeting some of them for myseslf.
I hope you can reflect on this. But if you don't, that's okay too.
LCK
Great post. I was on Todd Barry's site (seriously) and saw the link to yours.
Just watched the set on YouTube, great set.
first blog entry that made me cry. i can only hope for an experience like that in the future.
Thanks for the wonderful tales. I have seen USO shows in some remote locations, but have never seen it from the performers side. You rock...the cheerleaders rock and so does the USO. I believe the memories of our ladies and gents serving will give you hope for a lifetime. Thanks again for your love and support.
You are so funny. I am also a fan. When you made the joke about an asshole officer, I was shocked. I was in the Army for a few years... I know the rank inside and out. And that is something you would get demoted for, and serve extra duty.... Its so funny when you say SFC and they have a star in the middle. Thats an E9! Not an E7. I know this is new to you, but its just so funny hearing you use Army terms wrong. PT is something you do every morning if your sick or not. (unless you go to sick call and get out of PT.) SICK CALL RANGER... lol. Ok, I am now a civilian. And your right, you can say and do what you want. You can walk up to a 2 black bar person (CAPTAIN) and say, Whats up dude. That would get a soldier dropped, demotted, etc.
What a great read. I teared up like a fat faggot at one point. I wish I could have afforded to see you perfomr in LA a few days ago.
Off to Cinnabon.
Louie:
Thank you.
You are an amazing dood, dude.
- -
Okay,
Father Luke
LCK.
I was so stoked when I found you blog detailing you trip to entertain the troops. Who would have thought you could be seriously insightful as well as a funny cunt.
is there anymore to come?
Also, you mentioned you were going to come to Australia. Seriously, you need to. I am dying to see you - you are the best standup going round at the moment.
cheers and keep up the good work.
n
Man,
I discovered you yesterday and I just HAD to watch almost everything on YouTube as soon as I got the chance! It's like three o' clock in the morning and I'm still laughing my head out by myself while my partner next to me is sleeping, or at least trying!
If someone, two days ago would've said that I'd be laughing about "raping a fetus" I would tell them to pi$$ off! You are freaking hillarious and from the parts that I'm from, that is the Balkan (being half Greek, half Serbian) we haven't heard or seen much of you (unfortunately so) but that might as well change!
Keep up the good stuff coming and I'll certainly start a word of mouth!
Alexandra
PS:Try to smile more when they're taking a picture of you! If you compared the pics of you smiling and those where you're not, you'd realise how much it flatters you! ;o)