USO BLOG: Baghdad. Day day two.
Okay. No screwing around. I'm going to finish this, finally...
Baghdad Day Two
Our second day in Baghdad. I woke up early, about 5am, and went running again. I ran along whatever river runs through the center of Baghdad. If I was an actual journalist I would have researched it. There was only a walkway along parts of the river so I sometimes had to run on the street, which was very busy with a non-stop caravan of kahki army trucks and Humvees of all shapes and sizes. I didn't know if I was going through any restricted areas. I just figured someone would stop me if I was. I think I was in what is called "the Green Zone." Again, I am too stupid to know anything. No one in any of the trucks seemed to care where I was running or who I was. At one point, the road went close to the outskirts of the secure area and I could see into what seemed to be the actual streets of Baghdad, with real people actually walking, biking and driving around doing actual things. I had this tiny impulse to pivot right and just bolt into Baghdad and just see what happens to me. But I didn't. I'm 41 and I have kids. The image of me being beheaded on youtube, a guy in a mask holding my head up to the camera, with a dumb beheaded look on my face, kept me inside the Green Zone. I ran in a circle, about 4 miles, and went back to the "Palace". I had about an hour before we started our FOB hops for the day so I showered and went to the cafeteria for breakfast. The SMA (Sargeant Major of the Army) sat opposite me and we ate together and talked. he asked me my impressions of the FOB I'd visited the day before. I told him how much I liked the kids we visited and about the soccer game with the Iraqi soldiers. he told me that he has always found that the army has a good sense of diplomacy and that most soldiers learn well how to integrate with locals. I told him about the Iraqis I said goodbye to outside the helicopter and how they had touched their chests after shaking hands and I asked him what that was about. he said it's exactly what it feels like. It means I hope your heart is full of peace and happiness. He told me he'd made some great friends in Iraq and he said "But in Afghanistan, when you make a friend, that's a friend for life. The people there, I"ve never met anyone like them anywhere else. Just the sweetest, kindest people and they are passionate about friendship and loyalty."
As we talked, Dino walked in, looking crazy. His long greek hair was all over the place and his eyes were bleary with sleep. When the Sargent Major saw him, his face broke into a genuine grin of fondness "Good Morning Dino!" he called to him cheerfully. Dino waved, his hand at his waiste, and answered shamefully "Hey. How ya doin?" The SMA smiled as he watched Dino get a tray for his breakfast.
I was so happy to see that he really liked Dino, seemingly because he was so different and incongrous in his Military world. It reaffirmed my suspicion that the SMA is basically just a very good guy. The night before, at the small banquet he held for us, he introduced all of us to the soldiers based here in the palace, and he told them, all standing in formation in front of us, about the sacrifice he felt we made by being here. he said "Please understand that, for these entertainers, this is their downtime. They spend their whole year away from home, away from their families, travelling around the country performing. It's the nature of their business and how they make their living. So this time of year, the hollidays, is the only time of year that they have to be with their families and to be home. And they chose to spend that time with you, to make your time away from your families easier. And they aren't being paid to do this. They're doing it because they think it's right. So we appreciate that, Hua!?" and they all repeated "Hua!"
I like the guy. He's empathetic and not the least bit judgemental and he's well curious about people. Everyone else on the tour was unsure about Dino. Everyone from each group of entertainers had taken their turn apporaching me, always with the same question. "So um... is Dino like... your manager? or your like... partner? Like is he writing for you? Or...." I'd shrug and say "No. he's just my friend. he came along for the ride." I started to realize that they were all talking about him and that they'd all probably decided that we were gay together. Whatever.
But the SMA would see Dino and he'd just think "Hey, there goes that Dino fellah. He's okay. Crazy ole guy!"
In fact, most of the Army people seemed to like him. They made fun of him but it was affectionate. One day, Sargent Ratner told Dino and I that someone had asked him (Ratner) where Dino was and he said "I think he's outside, sleeping under a news paper." Dino and I both laughed. The fact that Ratner shared the joke with us showed that they liked DIno. It was the civilians who were weirded out by him. To me this was an example of something I was learning. A lot of people back home who speak passionately about loving the "Troops" mix that rhetoric with anger toward certain facets of the culture that they don't like. But most of the actual "Troops" are very cool people and generally accepting and level headed. These are both ill-informed, unfair and broad generalizations. I am only saying that that is a feeling I started to have during this experience it . I don't defend the statement beyond that.
After Breakfast we put on our armor and headed back to the Helipad, boarded our "birds" and tore over and out of Baghdad, with the 50 guns trained to the ground. Once again we went into the desert. In our Blackhawk was me, Dino, Kenny Thomas and his band and Seargent Jerry Evans, a big guy who I liked a lot and shared a lot of silly jokes with.
This time, the pilot was a talkative guy who told me he was going to do some loopty-loos. "You better hang on cause we're gonna take you for a real ride." I said "You know what? Don't do that. Just get us, please, to the place we're going." He and his crew started laughing. "Come on. You don't want to do some up and downs?" I Said "Dude. I'm 41. I don't need the uppy loopy anything. Just please fly in a straight and proffesional line through the air." For some reason, this was just hilarious to these guys.
Here is a picture of me with the crew of that blackhawk...
There's fat Louie, with a lead flap protecting my worthless cock.
Our first FOB, I think it was called Delta, was about twenty miles from the border with Iran. On the way to this base, we flew over some CRAZY things, including a vast, vast field of black smokestacks, blowing black smoke into the air. It seemed to go on forever and ever. I was told later by one of the flight crew that it was a brick factory. I said "All that smoke just to make a brick?" the airman said "I think they make more than one brick, sir." and we all cracked up.
The base was huge and sprawling, all temporary construction. Just a bunch of concrete walls, gravel, sandbags and tents. I was told that they patrol the border of Iran and train Kurdish Arny units.
As we entered the base we were greeted by Ugandan army guards. I have learned since that Uganda provides security for most American bases in Iraq. They have older guns with wooden buts and always have very very serious faces, but I always wave at them and they always smile and wave back broadly.
The base "Mayor" or commanding officer was a huge barrel chested Leutentant Colonel with a gray buzz-cut and a red face (reminded me of a cop in Boston) who is a huge comedy fan. He said he and his wife sit up and bed and watch Comedy Central all the time. He asked for a picture of me and him to send her which I of course let him take. Then he said "Do you want to see a picture of my wife?" He took a picture out of his wallet of he and his wife on their wedding day. She was as tall as him and they looked very happy, he in his dress blues and she in a lacy wedding dress." He had a huge smile as I looked at the picture "Isn't she beautiful?" I was stunned by his sharing of this because it came out of nowhere. I agreed that she's very beatiful. he took the picture back from me, smiled at it himself for a long moment and then put it back in his wallet.
We got ready to do our little show but there were very few soldiers in the lunchroom. We asked where they all were. The LTC told us a lot of guys were on missions but more would come in. Soon the place was full and by looking at them I realized they were sort of ordered to come to the show. THey looked grumpy and spacey. I've started to realize and I've also been told that coming to USO shows is not every soldier's first choice of how to use their "PT". They have a very grueling schedule every day. Just the fact that they have to designate certain times as "PT" shows how the army owns their lives. They go on dangerous patrols and then do whatever their specialty is, repairs, logistics, electronics, engineering. Everyone has a job and then they have to be soldiers. What a fucked up day. And then they get an hour to themselves and someone wants them to come see a show. A LOT of them don't want to do it. They come and sit down with a look on their face like "What do you want from me? Can't I just go to my room and be alone??" It makes you want so much more to make them feel happy that they came.
Okay so we did a show for these guys in their lunchroom. Before we started, Dino did me a HUGE favor by going over my set with me and helping me remember what bits I have that might be cleaner. I dind't ask him to do this. I think he just sensed that in these smaller shows, the dirty stuff comes off very harsh and insensitive. He was right. HE jogged my memory on my earlier, nicer stuff about banks, Walmart, all kinds of things. Thank god for him because it really was exactly the right tone for that room. Before the show, ikenny and I agreed to go "Song Joke SOng" So I introduced him, he played a song, brought me back on, I told some jokes and he closed with a song.
People sometimes ask me if it's really hard to do a show in a big theater for a thousand people, something I do three times a week every week. I don't have any problem doing that. But standing in a small room of tired soldiers, without a microphone or a stage, and just talking in a loud voice and trying to make them laugh. Jesus is that hard.
This time it went great. The mix of material was just right and I watched their tired faces turn into big big grins and they laughed a lot. What a great feeling.
WE did a short meet and greet after the show. Instead of having them line up, Kenny and I just walked around the crowd with our pictures and signed them for whomever wanted one. A few guys knew me and were fans.
As we left a young soldier with a floppy hat approached Dino and I and said "Excuse me sirs, but I would like to show you my vehicle. Would you like to see it?" Dino and I were game. He took us outside and gave us a tour of his "Striker" which is a big fat truck that looks like a tan metal hedgehog.
It bristles with a bizzarre assortment of weapons and spikey armor. All kinds of cages welded to it and inside is a snug little pit for the crew to sit in that is cramped with very high tech recon gear.
he proudly showed it off. Dino filmed it on his flip cam. Here it is...
After that we got back on the Blackhawks to go the next base. A contingency of soldiers saw us off at the helopad. It became a pattern that these guys always would see us off and you could tell they were always a little sad to see us go, which would always surprise me.
The next FOB was called Normandy.
This was very different than the other places where the Army had built something where there was
nothing. FOB Normandy is in a placed that I think was called the Allam province. A year ago, this was a very hostile place and a LOT of people were killed here. It is now very quiet. The base is built around structures that were already there. They kind of converted a town square into an army base. There were many more trees and lots of different colors. It was weird to say so but it was "nice".
As soon as we arrived, Kenny Thomas ran over and hugged a soldier. They slapped each other on the back and hugged for a long time. They were both crying. Kenny wiped the tears out of his eyes and told me that he and the guy had served together. And here he just ran into him. It was very emotional for him. Seeing this gave me a new perspective on Kenny. I had been complaining to Dino that Kenny was bumming out ever show we did by singing sad songs like "Another folded flag" and giving long speeches about how the Military is a family business and it's about the guy to your right and the guy to your left. I had felt that we were there to entertain and give these guys some levity. They didn't come to our show to be reminded that they were soldiers. Every minute of their lives reminded them of that. They came to USO to escape. But the more time I spent over there and the more I saw Kenni with these soldiers, the more I thought "What the hell do I know about what these guys need? This guy was awarded the Bronze star for Valour. He probably has a bit of an idea of what a soldier wants to hear."
We were driven into the base, which surrounds what looked like a town plaza.
We were immediately taken to the DEFAC for a Meal. As we ate, The Major who ran this FOB, who seemed very educated and thoughtful, spoke to us about the area and the relationship the base has with the locals. Like every speech we got, he wanted to emphasize the progress being made to bring normalcy to people's lives in the area. We've been told more than once that one reason we are here, besides to improve morale, is that they want us to bring the story of what is happening here back home with us.
I was VERY hungry and ate a half chicken with lots of sides. Very good. I want to mention here because I don't think I have, that the food in the army is really really goddamn good. They feed you good and they feed you WELL. It's crazy.
AFter the meal and the briefing, we went outside to do the show on an outoor stage that faces a big circle of gravel that is ringed with tents and temporary buildings. It's one of my favorite places I ever performed. We also had, thank god, a microphone and PA system. Not much of one, but there it was. here is another Dino-shot flipcam video of us walking out to the stage. YOu will see that soldiers were hanging out on the perimeter of the plaza, just standing around with their rifles slung...
I got on stage and gathered the troops for the show. This was something I was getting used to, starting shows at the FOBs. Guys are just standing around and you have to gather them, focus them, and start the show out of nothing. Here's a video of what that was like...
Once they got gathered, I started my set. I opened with my standard USO open "How are you fuckers doing?" It's kind of a lipness (sp?) test to see what kind of show the troops want. They went nuts. So I went back to my fun and dirty set. It went great.
AT one point, I saw a young guy in a sandy uniform, M4 rifly around his chest, shaking his head and laughing. He turned to the guy next to him and said "Jesus, I love this guy!" It was a great little moment.
When I finished, I brought Kenny on stage. I heard one of Kenny's bandmates say to him "Hey, man. How about we start with "Mexico" this time?" Kenny said "Yeah, okay." Kind of relucantly. This exchange made me laugh because "Mexico" was a cheerful upbeat song and it told me that Kenny's band was also aware that his shows were getting to be a downer. Now they were saying "hey man, Bronze star aside, give these damn kids a show."
AFter the show we stood around and signed pictures. Two guys came up to me and told me they are part of a "medavac" squadron based there. Two helicopters that serve the wounded for a large area of Northern Iraq. They said "We have a little tent right over there full of guys just going crazy by ourselves. If you want to come over tonight, we'll cook out some meat on the fire and you can make us laugh." I couldn't think of anything I would rather do. Of course I couldn't. One of them said to me "Hey man. Really just thanks for coming here." Then he ripped his unit patch, a cloud with a lightening bolt, off
of his own shoulder and smacked onto my chest, where it stuck to the velcro that was there. Let me just mention that the unit patch a guy wears on his right shoulder is significant because you only wear a
patch on that side if you are a veteran. When a soldier's right shoulder is bare, this means it's his first tour. If he has a unit patch there, he's at least on his second tour. Giving me that patch to wear was meaningful to that guy.
Again, we boarded the Blackhawks and took off. next was a very very depressing little FOB. I don't remember what it was called.
As we got off the "birds" I saw some Iraqi's watching us land from a distant building. I waved to them and they all waved back. I think they were laughing at me.
This FOB was in a much more active area and no care at all was put into how they live. Just dimly lit boxy building and people looked more serious and bummed out. The "Mayor" of this base was a really tough wirey guy from New Jersey who talked like an old cab driver. he led us to a smelly room that felt like a small prison cafeteria. The back of the room was lined with refridgerators, about ten of them. The whole time we were there, soldiers kept wandering through the room, going to the refridgerators and getting a drink or an ice cream bar. They had really really good "Magnum" Ice cream bars. They must have gotten a bunch of them at once and you could tell that these guy's whole days sort of revolved around making trips back there to get one.
As we got ready for the show, we heard a loud, distant explosion. A really weird "thud". Everyone laughed as soon as it happened. I had no idea what it meant. Was that enemy fire? I asked the guy next to me "How far away was that?" he said "About a click." I said "Please define click" That made him really laugh for some reason. He said "It means kilometer, sir."
We gathered everyone together and did the show. They had a really really good time. After the show we walked back to the blackhawks. I walked with the Jersey-born commander. He told me "I've been in the army for twenty three years. I been in Saudi Arabia, was in dessert storm, all of this shit. And USO never caught up with me before. Never had any. I"ve always just thought that the whole world doesnt' give a goddamn shit about the army. Took me twenty three years to see you guys." As we past a concrete watch tower, I asked him about it. It was just three concrete cylanders with a little guardhouse on top, with camo
netting over the top. He yelled to the kid in there to wave at me. A head stuck out smiling and he waved. He told me it gets really really cold up there and that each guy has to be up there for twelve hours in one shift. He said they just didn't have a lot of guys at this base and they had a lot to do. He partly said this as an apology because throughout our show he kept having to shift guys in and out as we performed. As we talked, I kept hearing distant explosions. he said it was called "CDE" Coordinated Detination of explosives".
Everything here is acronyms. Basically, they find IEDs (Improvised explosive device" ) all over that area. they gather them together, which can't be fun and explode them all day long in a big field. He said they'd found one a few days before right where he and I were standing. Gulp.
Our Blackhawks started up. He let me take his picture and shook my hand and said thank you for the show.
As we climbed into the chopper, I asked one of the gunners if I could sit in the front section with him, instead of the passenger bay in the back. He shrugged and said sure. I climbed into what was barely a seat, right behind him and the pilot seats.
To my right was this gunner...
and this one to my left...
We took off again as he and the rest of the guys waved. I immediately regretted my seat choice. I was sitting between two gaping openings in the helicopter and it was COLD AS SHIT! But it was fun, or rather interesting, to watch him survey the land below through the site of the huge machine gun.
Dino told me after the flight that the helipcopter shot a flare out in flight. I knew because I'd been told, that these blackhawks have automatic sensors that, when they detect anything that might remotely be a missle, shoot flares out to confuse the incoming weapon. These sensors often go off by mistake, like if they're flying over a guy's house and he changes the channel on his TV. Dino did not know this and it scared the shit out of him. He thought we were being shot at. The hilarious thing is that he debated for FIVE MINUTES in his head, as to weather or not he should mention it to anyone. He thought "well, of course they know what they're doing" But then he remembered that at Andrews Air force Base, there was a line up of "world clocks" that showed times aroudn the world. It said "8:45: for New york and something like "5:30" for Los angeles.
The flight back to Baghdad was brutal. It took about 90 minutes and when it was finally over... we were in Baghdad. I started to get a sense for what it's like to be in a War Zone, where there really isn't a place anywhere that you really want to be. You're not relieved to be anywhere, ever. You're just submerged in hostility, danger, boredom and a life of regimented, stiff routine. And this was only a few days in for me.
So that was our day in Baghdad. I was going to cut this down to maybe one or two fobs but I wanted to give you a sense of the greuling nature of this tour. that was a day. And we still had to do the really big show that night in Baghdad... That show was really something. And it will be the subject of the next entry. Coming soon....
Posted by Louie in on August 11, 2009 | Comments [ 12 ]
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Great read!
very very awesome.
Thank you for taking us on your journey and for reminding us that there are still people out there sacrificing for us. Also, I’m very happy they have good food and ice cream. It is the little things…
excellent stuff, louie.
you never read anything this interesting or detailed about anyone's trip to Iraq, whether a USO performer or a journalist. It's great to learn about the size of the military operation over there and the many hard working people who keep it running.
This is an excellent series. The photos are pretty damn swell too
Hey Louis,
I stopped by your site here to double check your tour date for Winnipeg, Mb when I stumbled onto this insightful blog entry. I'm going to be late for class now, but that was too captivating to pull my attention away from. Wow.
Would you be at all interested in doing a quick 10min interview when you come through town? I have a comedy-themed radio show on a campus station here and I'd love the opportunity to talk to you about this experience among others.
Feel free to contact me at tim@umfm.com if this is something you can make time for.
Again, great entry and photos.
Thanks for sharing this with us... I was moved. I wish that someone, somewhere, would tell us- the average Americans who DO give a shit about the Army- what the hell we can do to make their lives a little bit less shitty. I was told that care packages choke up the postal system and it's better to buy them a card they can use at their PX... kind of like the equivalent of giving a walmart employee a frickin walmart gift card... the point of sending care packages is to send them stuff that is a TREAT, that they don't normally get. Sigh.
So Louie, if you got any ideas on your trip, heard anything like, "Oh if only the people at home would just start doing ...fillintheblank... our lives would be a little less shitty" post it, please!
Really fascinating, scary, and in a way heartwarming. You're a hell of a comedian, Louis, but you're also an excellent journalist in your own right. Thank you for the report.
Hi Louie,
I've been feeding my baby, and catching up on your blog. I'm a big fan and I'm really enjoying the detail and effort you are putting into your recount of your USO trip. I actually get some inspiration out of it, and the small things in my life really get some perspective. I suffer from getting too "mushy and overpraising" when I like somthing so I'll cut myself off. keep up the great work and hope to see more... congrats on louie on FX! (see? it's a disease)
Louis CK and a fucking leica, unbelievable; a veritable renaissance man...
these are actually pretty good, some very good. if you could've controlled your aperture that top "peace maker" would have been perfect. but there are many excellent shots throughout the u.s.o. series, as is the frame of your daughter with the duckling.
Thanks for embracing the fm2 in an earlier post, i use one alongside a rollei 35s; these are the poor-man's leica's, truly. they lack the ridiculous magic of the summicron/summilux depth of field, but are more than capable (plus the added fun of having to guess the focus distance on the 35s). Did you shoot an fm2 before purchasing the mp?
As an aside, how is it that this blog gets 2-10 comments per post? A premier us standup making consistently superb live, film and tv performances... the void of the internet knows no bounds; you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Please alienate your fans further by writing more about film photography (you sappy luddite cunt), its influence upon your artistic development and your continued interest in the medium.
I am archiving the great modern street photography i come across, "for to piss in the eyes" of the nytimes. I am sure you will agree with the premise/quality and find some great stuff:
http://noneofit.tumblr.com/
thanks for posting the u.s.o. diaries in particular and please keep keeping us updated with words and pictures,
thanks
you did a great job with this. really great tribute to the soldiers. I hope they get to read it. made me cry a few times just cuz war sucks and it's amazing what our soldiers give up to protect us and you really made it clear. loved it. thanks for going.
Wow, man. Thanks for posting these USO journal/emails from your tour. I don't know if I'm just really tired today after working all weekend or what, but reading them had a really big, and entirely unexpected, impact on me. I don't personally know anyone in the military and, to be honest, as I go about the day to day business of leading my life, it's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that we still have troops fighting wars in the Middle East. I feel bad saying it, but it's just not something I try to think about. My wife and I have a kid on the way, we both work a lot, don't watch or even own a tv (we watch stuff on the laptop sometimes), and I try not to pay attention to current events which are, more often than not, too wildly depressing to think about. So I don't typically seek out information about what our troops are doing overseas these days.
Anyway, these entries gave me some perspective on the guys and ladies currently abroad and it gave dimension to individuals I wouldn't normally think about. You did a great thing.
Thanks, again.
Take care,
Jason